Kindness is the ability to be straightforward, to let another know where you stand, how things are, instead of springing it on them, surprising them. Letting them know, being honest. Often people have been taught to not be honest and not to tell someone where they are at. 

Because of our sin nature, most people cannot take that kind of feedback and try to avoid responsibility by shifting blame or shooting the messenger. We tend to hide from the light when we sin. Because we know it is hurtful to the other person.

When we are not honest with the other person, it builds up. The anger and resentment and love goes away. The relationship ends up dessolving. If the other person needed to know what was going on, it comes as a shock. And they haven't been able to grow and make the changes needed.

God uses us to prune each other. To give feedback when its needed. If we don't give that feedback, then the other person can not grow. They need truth along the way. Not wait. Growth comes in small stages. Usually some one who has reached the end of their rope, cant take the pain anymore and expects change right away. But that doesn't happen.

Fear of Being honest

When we speak up  on an issue or point out a character flaw, people's first response is anger or fear. Resistance to boundary. They want to hide and try to deflect reality or light. (Genesis 3:8-13.) Shift blame else where so they wont get in trouble. (John 3:19-21)

It takes a lot of growth and parenting to be able to get to the point people can accept responsibility for their words and actions and act in a mature way. 

People can get real mean when they don't want to accept responsibility for their actions. They can gossip, unleash anger on you, or just deny it. Even try to gaslight someone to make the "light" of relationship go away. (Thing is we don't realize that when we try to push away the light, we push away relationship.)

Helping Each Other Grow

We help each other grow. God works through us to give each other feed back about how things are in reality. How we are doing in relationships, how we are doing in general- what their experience is with us.

We need that feedback to help us grow. It helps orientate us toward reality. With out it we don't get the feedback we need and its harder for us to grow. 

Most people wait till they can't stand it and then blow up. They can't handle the pain, (because when we are not doing the right things in relationship, it is painful for the other person.) and they reach their limit. They expect the change to come right away. When growth is like a garden, and plants, it comes slowly over time.

It's reasonable for the person who is hurt, to only point the way to get help, set limits on the sinful behavior, and with draw a bit. But usually if they are close to the person its hard for them to be objective. Especially if they are devastated.

Requiring change is a good thing. But you have to be in touch with reality if you want real results. They don't come by will power or good intentions, they come by the person getting in a structured "Jacob's ladder" or program. Depending on what they are doing. Even if they just need new relationships or to brush upon the skills they have. It takes grace plus truth over time for someone to grow. Like a garden takes pruning and feeding to grow.

We need the feed back as we go along.