DEVELOPING THE GRIEF PROCESS
Most people think of death or some huge tragedy when they think of grief, and you definitely need to know how to grieve then, but we need to be able to "grieve" on a daily basis. To process life and take in the good and let the bad go.
This is definitely the hand rails on Jacobs ladder- Jacob's ladder being the staircase that Jacob in the bible dreamed about, that God gave him, to help him get to from where he was, to where God wanted him to be. When there's a gap where we are, to where we want to be, wether it's weight loss, finances, relationships, whatever, we need guidance, we need direction plus others to walk along side us, as we do the right things over time to see changes, growth, and results.
We need to be able to metabolize life on a daily basis. The fact that a lot of times things don't measure up, they aren't where they should be. They disappoint us. That I fail and disappoint people too. Also that situations fall short of our expectations. We have to digest that on a daily basis, like you do food and take in the good and let the bad go. Come to terms with reality.
If truth telling is like an immune system, then this is definitely your digestive system.
A lot of times when there's a gap or a disappointment we get really mad and full of Wraith, or disappointed, or frustrated or we "judge". We come in like a storm and say, "this is the standard and this is how your failing to meet it, Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!" and if we are 3 years old we punch our little sister, and act out our frustration.
This is a basic relationship skill we all need to develop. We all need to grieve the ideal or where things should be to accept reality. It brings safety to the relationship and allows others to be human and gives them space to grow.
I was going to say if you're getting into a relationship with someone and you find they don't have this skill, run far, far away. Seriously! Horror.... if it's not physical abuse, it's emotional and verbal abuse. If it's not verbal and emotional abuse, then they are trying to control you and put you in this tiny little box, where you can't hardly do anything for the next 50 years, until the Lord takes them home and you get sprung early for good behavior. Yuck, Bleech, barf! But if you and the people around you are able to metabolize it, and take it as normal that growth is a part of life, then you can grow and help those around you grow. Life is much happier.
I think that's one reason you get those happy marriages of 50 years or more, where they still idealize each other. They've already metabolized the bad and "pooped" it out. So all that is left is the good and situations nourished the marriage like a plant.
Jesus said, "Don't judge," that is, stand on your high horse and jump on someone when they don't meet tour expectations, but " take the log out of your own eye, and then you will be able to see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's", or wives or husbands or friend's or co-worker's, "eye." (Matt 7:1-5)
Let's get in the growth process and deal with our dysfunction, then we are able to help those around us.
Paul said, "Don't let the sun go down on your anger" (Eph 4:26), because God doesn't want us to hang onto things, but allow the metabolization process to happen.
There are big problems that need to be dealt with and broken patterns of relating, but I'm just talking about a baseline, a basic relationship skill.
This skill, by the way, is called resolving the good/bad split. And Dr. Cloud talks a lot about it in his book, "Changes That Heal", as part of the growth process.
Milan Yerkovich talks about the "comfort circle" and how to develop that ability to metabolize in your relationships, step -by-step, no matter what your broken pattern is, in his book, "How We Love".
Changes That Heal, by Dr. Henry Cloud
How We Love, by Milan Yerkovich, former Christian pastor, now fully accredited Christian counselor.